i hate cockroaches. i don't think i've hated any animal, be it a bug even... be it a bug that bites and poisons... it doesn't matter. there's always a connection brought on by sharing the common factor of life. it has a life, i have a life. a living being. striving, too.
but cockroaches.
are they living beings? they seem to me more alien... a machine which has internally mutated over these billions of years. you know how they say that cockroaches have existed from the earliest years/phases of Earth. that they have managed to survive so many eons that it brings the notion of time and even space into bullshitedness.
i am scared shitless by them.
i can't even bring myself close enough to them to kill them.
and so they run carelessly and judiciously in my kitchen. and so i have to tap everything in my kitchen before taking ahold of them. coz you never know from behind which kettle, which basket of bread they will scurry out frantically but robotically.
and my bed has turned into the bed of a chronically spastic person. i twitch and slap and flick at the smallest gush of air or wind over my body. sometimes it's imagined sometimes it's just my hair falling across my face... everything has turned into the attack of the cockroaches.
which is complete madness because they wouldn't come close to a human being, as far as i know... and they have no reason to get out of the kitchen, it's filled with crumbs and blotches of jam and things...
and i think the reason i think i don't like cockroaches is because i fail to grasp their existence. a bee is there buzzing around making its hive, collecting flower juices and whatnot and making honey... they have a queen and workers. in another words they don't exist to exist. they have a meaning. whether or not they do it in a conscious manner is another matter.
and ants.
and wolves.
and fish.
and ladybugs.
they're all part of a world that is earth. but cockroaches. what are they a part of, what is their meaning except to freak me out? what good comes out of them, what bad comes out of them? they seem to have one care in the world and that is to have sex and have as many freaky babies as possible. and to continue to exist to the end. to exist to exist.
they might be little mini tiny bio-mechanizms which were planted on the earth to record the life of the earth from its birth to its death... by ALIENS!!
i don't know. but it seems to me a perfectly sensible conclusion. a conclusion which i believe in firmly.
