complications

my little sister

she's going through a hard time, let's just say... and she really needs me this summer. i really wanna be there for her. i either have to go to mongolia or i have to bring her here. but my parents won't give permission coz she's too little and they have it in their heads that i am a physical and emotional mess who needs to be rehabilitated and fixed up every summer. so they want me to come.

yet this year i really really hope that i can make use of a whole summer. i don't want it to go to waste, time is everything, really.

and yet there is a part of me that wants, needs to go back because i may be a physical and emotional mess, or i am from time to time and going back to mongolia helps me out a lot in a way. and on top of that there are my dear grandmothers who long to see me; and i have this fear that i won't be able to see them before they die... which is a terrible thought i know.

and of course there are the money troubles.

if you come when exactly will you come and how long...

there so many factors that we have to take into consideration if we're gonna make it happen. tell me what you want, what you plan to do and your expectations, everything...

i'd love you to come, it would be amazing. it would be out of this world...!

something personal

there are all these fights, all over this world, that you want to be a part of, that you feel you should be a part of, that it is our born right to be a part of... there are the wars, the human rights movements, the '68 student movements, cinema, the new wave, free cinema and yada yada yada... all these monumental, bigger than a life, bigger than us FIGHTS... and then

suddenly

you hear something like a friend from the past, someone who isn't that good of a friend, just a friend, an acquientance... has had a baby...

and suddenly all these fights, the power that is turning the world around and around has suddenly been cut, everything stops, or rather

you stop, and realise that all these things are actually meaningless things...

when there is something as beautiful and as pure as a baby!

and everything is meaningsless and stupid

and all u want is a baby, living that experience, that moment! that fight!!

because the biggest fight is there, in bringing a LıFE into this world...

i'm messed up