summer at last

summer has come at last, 30 degrees and above... i usually can't stand heat, but since spending last summer in antalya, i have become family with it, missing it and loving it.

and reggae music... with an ocean view from my window.

i miss you lisa, miss your words, miss your presence...

i'm very lonely right now, not a soul whom i can confide to, lean on to...

no one i can hug and not let go...

but it's not a depressing, unsettling loneliness...

it's more balanced and quiet...

not dark and crazy...

cannot wait for the exams to be over...

i'm planning to read this summer, read as much as i can...

i miss literature, it's curtained wholesomeness...

i have been popping pills of cinema, my symptoms relieved periodically...

but of course i cannot deny its power to change from the roots...

oh, have i changed?

only you can answer that, i'm much too subjective to make any conclusions on myself...

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/05/05/080505fa_fact_sedaris

a wonderful article on starting and quitting smoking... kkk... it's a very accurate account of how someone who hates smoking starts smoking.

complications

my little sister

she's going through a hard time, let's just say... and she really needs me this summer. i really wanna be there for her. i either have to go to mongolia or i have to bring her here. but my parents won't give permission coz she's too little and they have it in their heads that i am a physical and emotional mess who needs to be rehabilitated and fixed up every summer. so they want me to come.

yet this year i really really hope that i can make use of a whole summer. i don't want it to go to waste, time is everything, really.

and yet there is a part of me that wants, needs to go back because i may be a physical and emotional mess, or i am from time to time and going back to mongolia helps me out a lot in a way. and on top of that there are my dear grandmothers who long to see me; and i have this fear that i won't be able to see them before they die... which is a terrible thought i know.

and of course there are the money troubles.

if you come when exactly will you come and how long...

there so many factors that we have to take into consideration if we're gonna make it happen. tell me what you want, what you plan to do and your expectations, everything...

i'd love you to come, it would be amazing. it would be out of this world...!

something personal

there are all these fights, all over this world, that you want to be a part of, that you feel you should be a part of, that it is our born right to be a part of... there are the wars, the human rights movements, the '68 student movements, cinema, the new wave, free cinema and yada yada yada... all these monumental, bigger than a life, bigger than us FIGHTS... and then

suddenly

you hear something like a friend from the past, someone who isn't that good of a friend, just a friend, an acquientance... has had a baby...

and suddenly all these fights, the power that is turning the world around and around has suddenly been cut, everything stops, or rather

you stop, and realise that all these things are actually meaningless things...

when there is something as beautiful and as pure as a baby!

and everything is meaningsless and stupid

and all u want is a baby, living that experience, that moment! that fight!!

because the biggest fight is there, in bringing a LıFE into this world...

i'm messed up

i am bill

i find the art scene in turkey too pretentious. i don't like how it tries too much. i am turned off by people and things trying so hard to be something else, trying to be something very shallow and alien. to be an artist one must know his/her roots.

one's roots.

what the hell does it mean, especially in today's world? what does it mean when we are all over the place, when the place of 'finding' ourselves is in a coffee-shop or in a club? when we are losing and finding ourselves, when we are on and off, on and off, all-the-time? if we cannot connect with our surroundings, if we are alienated and used? when the value of a human being is as good as the couple of papers with a president printed on them which he/she carries... a couple of bills... as a token of value, as a symbol of humanity, as an entity. maybe not in america... but this is the truth of the rest of the whole world.

this is the history and the story of the whole world. we think by the day. we think of today's bread money. not retirement plans, not investments for future vacations.

a trash can

cockroaches... now, trash.

i feel like a friggin trash can. full of trash and mess. i feel the need for a make-over. anyways, enough with the bitching.

just saw the wrestler. really, kudoes to rourke. the first time i saw his picture, around the time of the oscar buzz and whatnot, i thought what a fucking mess. his face, first of all, his clothes, those dogs!!!

what was so amazing about his performance was that he made me forget all of my prejudices and actually, truly, completely made me believe in his character, which is amazing. and on top of that he was just SEXY! i am not saying this because of his bulging muscles, i am not that shallow. there was something so human and so irresistable about randy. such raw fight at life, such struggle and failure and remorse and regret.

my english sucks. when i feel insecure about my language, i stop writing. i can't help it. what shall i do.

a cockroach existence

to save myself from this cockroach existence is my goal at the moment. i have to stop eating to eat. sleeping to sleep.

i should eat to continue to realy live. sleep so that i wake up the next morning, wanting to wake the next morning. laugh because it's contagious. work to make my surroundings better, to make the people around me happy, to be of use and importance. i should use my eyes not just to see the pavement in front of me but to see the misery and the beauty of my life.

everything has a meaning. and to not live to experience is something so pathetic and so low that there is no difference between me and a cockroach.